My Prestigious Titles
Published by amberlicious September 16th, 2009 in Favorite Posts, How I torment my kids, How my kids torment meI have many titles in my home. These are my latest favorites- although I am looking for some help in these departments also. Any volunteers?
Toilet Flusher in Chief- The only person capable of flushing toilets. This does require and extraordinary amount of skill and precise pressure applied. I’ve been practicing for many years to know the exact moment that toilets need to be flushed. My family knowing this allows to to undertake this job rather then try to learn themselves.
and as an additional bonus title
She Who Must Change the TP- Only one person in the house is allowed to do this chore. Preferably it’s the same person who is the Toilet Flusher in Chief since the skill set is much the same. Must also know the proper placement of the roll (always over never under).
The Nagger General- Decide what needs to be done when by whom (usually based on things they need to know how to do in order to grow up to be a responsible adult and functioning member of society). Remind them repeatedly until they do what is expected of them. Make them go back and do things again until they’re done to the General’s specifications. If this job isn’t done then nothing in the house will be done. It’s harder than it looks. Things that you need to remember to nag about: chores, homework, piano practicing, kindness to siblings, friends and non-friends even. Skills that are needed: expert negotiator, previous experience as a ‘fun sucker’ is a bonus.
Fun Sucker- See anyone having fun. Stop the fun immediately at all costs. Give anyone having fun a chore to do. Punish them further if it’s possible to do so.
The Bossiest Boss of the Universe- Sort of like the Nagger General but takes over after the Nagger General has asked 5 million times. Much meaner than The Nagger General.
Universal Bladder- Decide when everyone around you needs to pee. Tell them that. Make them run to the potty. Be right 98% of the time.
Secretary/Receptionist- Make phone calls, schedule appointments, answer phone calls, take messages keep track of all paperwork that comes home in folders, sign and send paperwork back to appropriate places…
Time Keeper- remind people where they need to go and when. Also arrange rides to and from those places when needed. Don’t expect any tips. Do expect whining and trashing of your vehicle.
Master Volume Control-Repeat these phrases with me- “your music is too loud turn it down” “you need to talk louder if you want me to hear you” “No screaming in the house!”
Referee- Must know how to use penalty cards, call a flag on the play and how to perform a foul shot. It’s not suggested that you say, ‘how about if I hit you every time you hit your sister?’ very often. May result in a time out for the referee.
Sanitary Officer- Having a superior sense of smell is a must. Sniff out stinky kids, dirty clothing, teeth that need to be brushed, hands that weren’t washed and shoes that need some Lysol.
What are some of your Titles?
How about all of the above!
Sarah’s last blog post..Wordless wednesday (Pandoras Box Reopened)
I am also “the finder” I am the one called on to look for any lost shoe, homework or other missing items.
Katie’s last blog post..Grant’s Birth Story
Oh my gosh!! I could have TOTALLY written this EXACT post. You are not alone!!
Jillene’s last blog post..I ♥♥♥♥ Joel McHale
I think you’ve just about covered it.
I, however, am the official butt wiper. (just for the 4 year old) nobody else wants to do the wiping plus, Max is quite insistant that I am the only one who takes care of his wiping needs. I should probably be flattered that I’m the only one he wants cleaning up his business, but sometimes it would be nice if others could help with this responsibility.
Jillybean’s last blog post..Fruit of the loom Lament
I’m the Toilet Flusher in Chief, too! I thought I was the only one. Why is it so hard to flush a toilet? I’ll never know.
I love it that when we are trying to listen they talk to low, but when it’s the last thing we want to continually hear, the volume is more than high enough
I loved this post-it was funny and because you blogged!! The coveted titles that we hold as mothers.I especially love being the one to clean up the pee from around the toilet when my boys neglect to aim. I have them wipe the bathroom daily and yet I stil can find it. Aah boys!!
Lindsey Barlow’s last blog post..We made it!!
i just have 1 title for today. slacker.
julie’s last blog post..ding dong
LOL!!! I have to admit that when I looked quickly at your post, I was going to put it off until later due to length. (Yes, I know it’s not that long, but I’m a little short on time lately!) Anyway, then I saw the title “She who must change the TP” at a glance and started laughing, so I had to read it right away. Too funny! I think I could have all the same titles. Must come with motherhood.
Unfortunatly I carry all those titles too! Sometimes it gets to be a very heavy load.
I am also the vacation planner/ tour guide/ GPS.
Bonnie’s last blog post..Let’s get togther…..
LMBO, oh, I think I’m most of those as well, and I know I was all of them today. I think that we should come up with a name for the person that makes their girls roll their eyes, because I’ve been causing a whole lot of that lately too.
Great job.
*hugs*
Shimmy Mom’s last blog post..Turn Around Bright Eyes
My favorite is Universal Bladder.
Fail! for me as sanitary officer, since I do not have a superior sense of smell. I do however possess a sixth sense allowing me to know these things without proof.
Jo’s last blog post..Fallish Mountain Monday
Hee hee. Funny. I laughed about the watermelon wall too. People are so wierd.
Hannah’s last blog post..Ode To Tomatoes
Universal Bladder! That is soooo right on.
I am also the Underwear All-Seer. I have mystic powers that allow me to determine when you have not changed your underwear, like I asked you to and you insist that you did.
Jessica G.’s last blog post..The Presence of Presents
Hey- I thought *I* was the only Toilet-Flusher-In-Chief! What is the DEAL with that anyway? I’d happily take on a few Interns in this house who would like to be trainined (and treated like crap- ha ha).
Cute post! Oh- I saw your blog listed on the MMB and the title of it peaked my interest so I stopped by to check it out.
Cynthia’s last blog post..Hola Senorita!
Amber, I don’t have your email anymore…please send.
Ummm- a month…it’s been a month!
You are hilarious! You should be published—except that that would be too much of a corner on the talent market, for you are also, OBVIOUSLY, such an ARTIST!!! Amazing cakes!!, and my favorite’s the universal bladder