The Meanest Mom on the Block…
Published by amberlicious March 24th, 2009 in How I torment my kids, How my kids torment me, blah blah blahI’m having some parenting struggles lately. My oldest daughter (Ashley) is a great kid. She’s responsible, helpful and is a great friend to pretty much everyone. She just turned 10. Since then she’s made a couple of bad decisions.
#1. I looked out my window to see my neighbor driving his truck in fast circles around our cul-de-sac with a couple dozen kids in the back. My youngest three were in the house and I was certain that my oldest would know better than to get in the back of a truck. I watched shocked that an adult would be doing that at all- and then watched even more shocked when he stopped and my oldest was one of the kids in the back. We have pretty strict rules about car safety in our family- mostly hinged on following the law. You know, people wear seat belts and kids sit in car seats until they’re the proper age and size. That law. Absolutely never would it be appropriate to ride in the back of a truck. I called her in and she had to stay in the rest of the evening. Before she could go out to play the next day she had to write “I will not get into a car with out mom’s permission, I will never ride in a car without a seat belt.” Fifty times. I know. I’m mean.
#2. I got a call from Ashley’s teacher yesterday. Apparently she’s not turning in completed homework and not bringing her planner signed. I was assuming she was having Steve sign it in the morning but apparently she’s not even bringing it to and from school regularly like she’s supposed to. She generally comes home from school and goes downstairs for 15 minutes and then wants to go out and play. That’s long enough that she could get homework done except for reading- which she does before going to bed. So that means all last week when I asked if her homework was done before saying she could go outside and she was telling me yes that she was lying. In our house that’s worse then not getting homework done. I’ve always been able to trust that she was doing or had done what she’d said, it really bothers me that now I can’t. She’s lost friend privileges for the week and now has to do homework at the kitchen table where she can be supervised- even though her sister’s bug her when she does. Tonight was the party for the release of the newest Fablehaven book. Ashley has been looking forward to attending this for at least a month maybe longer. But we didn’t go. I was really sad actually- it sounded like a lot of fun and would have been a good time. Being the meanest mom ever sucks sometimes.
#3. Steve finally got out of Ashley why she’s stopped doing homework and trying to do well in school. Apparently she feels like she should just give up because she ‘never wins anything or is the best at anything so why try.’ That breaks my heart. Ashley is a good kid who loves school. She’s not the best but she works hard and trys hard and does pretty darn good- but it doesn’t come easily. (Well- except for reading). Steve explained to her that sometimes that’s more advantageous in life- learning to work hard to become the best can make you more valuable because you know how to work then someone who’s always just had things come easily for them. It’s like she’s taken a huge hit to her self esteem and I don’t know why. I just feel like there is more to this then she’s letting on, but if she won’t share I don’t know how to get to the bottom of this. I don’t know how I’m going to handle the teenage years.
Are you the meanest mom ever? (Well, besides me)
Do you have rules that other parent’s think are crazy?
Am I too mean?
Day FIVE
An addendum: My neighbor is a good person who had a moment of lapsed judgment. I’ve deleted any comments calling him names. Please refrain from doing so. I hesitated to write that part at all- but this is my blog and this is an honest account of what happened. Part of explaining why Ashley was in trouble included the why- but this isn’t about my neighbor, it’s about figuring out what to do with my 10 year old and her tween angst.
I am the meanest mom on our block. I can’t wait for the teenage years so I can inflict all the crazy rules that kept me out of so much trouble when I was a teenager lol. No I don’t think you are mean. She is lucky to have a mom that cares so much.
JD’s last blog post..I just peed a little in my pants.
My barely-a-toddler yells at me for closing the fridge when she wants to continue gazing at what’s inside, so I don’t think I’m qualified to offer advice about pre-teens.
At the middle school it was a given that even the best kids (with the best, most supportive parents) would have unexplainable moments of bad choices and strange behaviors. Changing hormones cause people to act funny, think of when you were pregnant.
That being said, I have a feeling I’m going to be a mean mom. Currently I think if your kids never feel that the parents are mean or unfair then you have a fantasy relationship. It’s just part of life that you have your disagreements. I was a pretty good kid, but I still found ways to push the boundaries a little to see what I could get away with. Just try to keep the communication as open as you can. You’re a loving, concerned mom. That puts your relationship with Ashley in a much better place then what some have.
Ugh. This is definitely a tough age.
I remember feeling very much like the #3 circumstance. No matter how hard I tried as a kid, I ended up JUST missing the win. I never, ever, ever won. It was beyond discouraging. But then, any success I’ve had since has been that much sweeter because I’ve fought and clawed my way there. And I think I’m a stronger person for it.
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That last one just makes me sad. I get so scared for my kids in the future. It’s so hard sometimes to combat everything the world throws at our kids.
And yes, I am the meanest mom ever. My seven-year old daughter informs me of it frequently. I sometimes wish I could just be the nice mom, but I know that wouldn’t be the best thing for my kids.
I am pretty compulsive about the carseat thing too. The same 7-year old daughter only weighs about 40 pounds, and we joke that she’ll have to stay in her booster seat until she’s 15.
Can we just skip teenage years?!?
We’ve just been going through something similar with Daniel. I went to PT conf and found that he was turning in work unfinished. Of course, he was finishing it before he brought it home, so I didn’t know. So I started looking harder at his papers when I got them. I soon discovered that he’s (probably) not paying any attention to the instruction period in class and so when the worksheets are handed out, he’s just making wild guesses. And apparently, this doesn’t bother him. (Daniel is a very unconcerned child.) I called his teacher to let her know and have taken more time with him to make sure he ‘gets it’ when the papers have errors. Almost overnight, his papers were getting 90’s instead of 70’s! And he admitted it was a little nicer to know what was going on in class.
Of course, he still threw a tantrum while doing his homework yesterday. Daniel is still Daniel.
I’ve been entering a new world this year. Daniel is taking me there. It looks to be an interesting ride!
I’m the meanest mom because my kids have to do their homework and piano when they come home from school-someday’s you think I’m torturing them. I also don’t allow sleepovers with friends-family rule-has been in force since day one. I also make my kids clean the “whole downstairs” on Saturday-including the bathroom before playing with friends or watching TV. I know-that’ pretty mean-hopefully it’s building some character in them. I’m the meanest mom but I would also do anything for my kids-I love them to death.
No! You are not the meanest mom on the block! In fact, I would have done all of the same things you just listed. Good for you for BEING A PARENT!!! That’s your job. You make the rules, your kids follow them and if they don’t, then there are consequences.
My mom used to make me write ’sentences’. I hated it, but it worked for me.
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I’m mean too. My kids have to do *gasp* jobs every week. And I cannot STAND lying, so I am with you. In fact, last year our kids almost missed out on Thanksgiving dinner because we had a lying situation - but grandma intervened because it was at her house.
Can’t believe your neighbor giving you a hard time about the truck. That is seriously dangerous!
I know it sucks being “the meanest mom ever” but I think sound like a great mom. That thing with your neighbor and his truck literally had my jaw dropping. What kind of adult does that?
Trust me, when Ashley is an adult she’ll be grateful for you laying down the rules and boundaries.
Amanda’s last blog post..Sometimes being responsible is no fun
You know I’m mean. Examples?
1) That time I went commando and removed EVERYTHING from Macy’s room except for her mattress because of excessie tantrums.
2) The recent writing in a hymn book incident.
3) Homework and piano and violin must be done before playing with friends. Rooms must also be clean before playing with friends.
4) No sleepovers.
We frequently remind our kids that our job is not for them to like us. Our job is to help them grow up to not be jerks.
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My daughter (4) has been calling my husband and I mean for the last week or two when she doesn’t get to do what she wants. Like stay up all night or not take a bath. I don’t believe you are mean, just consistant. I really believe that kids need order/rules to deal with day to day life. Maybe it was your daughter’s way of letting you know something was wrong without saying it aloud. And sometimes it sucks for us parents too. I know we have missed out on things because she was acting up, but it was more important to let her know that those things are not acceptable in our house. If you want to do fun things then act accordingly.
You are NOT too mean. You are a good parent who doesn’t care if her kids are happy with her decisions.
I am sorry Ashley feels so sad about not being the best. I guess it is time for whole being a part of something is important, even when no one else notices. I read once, “how quiet the forest would be if all the other birds refused to sing because they weren’t nightingales.”
Can you try to show her how much her contribution means. Kind of like It’s a Wonderful Life lesson? Bless her heart. Being a mom is tough sometimes.
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Holy Cow. (on the neighbor doing that with his truck) He had NO right to try and make you feel guilty. How guilty would he have felt if one of those kids had gone flying out of the back of his truck and was hurt or killed?
It sounds like your rules are very much like our rules. And we’ve been having homework issues for a while now. I hope you can get to the bottom of what’s bothering her. Good luck.
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It is hard being a mean mom and I can relate. And I think that sometimes I’m more upset about the things they miss out on than they are. You did a great job with your daughter. My kids are still pretty little so I have no advice, just fear of the teenage years as well!
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One of my friends once gave me some sage advice.
“when you kids yell ‘I hate you!’ or ‘you’re ruining my life’ know that is a sign of being a good parent”
While we dont endorse the H word at our house, what she said is so correct. We arent supposed to be their best friend. We are supposed to be their parent. It doesnt mean that we cant be their friend, but that we HAVE to make decisions that are unpopular.
Last summer when we lived in the ghetto I felt “mean” everynight when I made my kids go to bed at 8 instead of letting them run around outside until eleven.
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It is just her teenage self coming out. She will have bad choices that are against the rules. Normal. BUT, be sure you keep being consistent (like being the worst mom on the block) or she will push her boundaries beyond the rules further. Even if she was mad at you for the punishments, they fit the crime. She knew she was choosing wrong. What works with my students at school to get them talking is to tell them about a time when you felt similarly, without pointing out to them that “I know how you feel.” Example: “Ashley, sometimes I feel like I am just not good enough at _____. Then it makes me not want to do it at all. Do you ever feel like that? When? What do you do to make it better?” Usually they open up and share how they are feeling, because you’ve shared something about how you feel. You have to be truthful, and you have to be non-judgemental. Its the friend/mom border. Don’t try a conversation like this only a few minutes after taking away priveledges. It won’t work.
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We have our BIGGEST issues with our oldest daughter. You know the one that’s friends with yours. She’s always been our “trial” but it’s gotten a lot worse lately. My sister-in-law that has a 14 year old and one that is the same age as our daughters says that her oldest started acting up again around 10 and that her second is already doing the same thing. She thinks that the real issue is that they do get hormonal changes this early and that we are dealing with the teenager issues. If I’m trying to see the silver lining, at least her 14 year old isn’t really any worse now that she was at 10, I don’t know if she’s much better, but she’s not any worse. So hopefully, at least this will be as bad as it gets. Here’s hoping so anyway.
And no, you are not too mean. We have to stick to our guns or they won’t learn anything.
Good luck.
*hugs*
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You are hardly the meanest mom ever. You are a caring mom. As for those tween/teen years, I’m soooooo not looking forward to them.
It sounds like you and your hubby are doing a great job. It’s refreshing to hear about parents who really care about their children and are willing to take the “hit” of being mean parents for the benefit of their children. Keep up the good work!
PS - I love how your Hubby turned around a bad feeling and told your daughter something to make her feel better.
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I don’t think you are the meanest mom. If I was a ten year old girl again..I might think differently. I honestly think only you know what is best for you and yours. Good luck with the whole tween thing. I am NOT looking forward to that at my house. I already feel like I am going cRaZy!
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Ha, my baby’s too young for rules, but you did EXACTLY what needed to be done. You are not mean - you are a good mom.
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Boundries are boundries… everyone has got to have them. I’m not a mom yet, but I was just talking to Hope about how mean of a friend I’ve been lately. And we both declared at the same time, it’s not being mean, it’s BOUNDRIES! People set boundries for a reason.
You and Steve are great parents. You have to keep in mind that you aren’t trying to raise the perfect children, but are trying to raise responsible adults. Sounds like that is what you are trying to do.
Do I have rules that other people think are crazy? I am know as the “prude” to my extended family, but I don’t care. Works for us.
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Wow.! That does not sound like Ashley!!
I like you mean!!!
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wow! I kind of wanted to see the comments written about the neighbor guy. Who was it that would do such a thing?
Kind of sounds like a fun neighborhood to me!!
I don’t think any of this is “mean”, as your intentions are good. Regarding #3, however, there is research to the effect that little girls more often get “you need to work hard” rather than “you’re smart” messages from parents regarding school. Your comment that things “don’t come easily to her (except reading)” practically seems to deny that reading is the backbone of academics. It would make more sense to put in those parentheses “(except kickball)”. If she’s good at reading, is she good at writing? Cause reading, writing and ‘rithmetic are the package, and if she’s good at one (or more) of those three, she’s well ahead of the game. Anyway, I’m sure you are letting her know that being good at reading is no small deal, but just had to comment as somebody who has worked extensively with kids who struggle with reading. School is much harder for them. They would describe your daughter as the egghead they can’t keep up with.